To moviegoers to whom it may concern…

Shut the fuck up. Shut your big, ugly, yapping mouths and keep quiet. I did not come here to listen to you converse with your idiot friends/partner for 2 hours, I came here to see a movie, you obnoxious fucking dung beetle. You think you’re so clever, providing a running commentary on everything that is happening on screen…why? Do you think people find that amusing? You useless waste of atoms. And WHY, is this fucking uncle having a full on conversation on his FUCKING PHONE?! Why must you subject a theater full of people with your dog shit conversations and opinions? AND WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OF YOU!? How un-self-aware can you be?

And speaking of phones, here is a bright idea….DON’T USE THEM. Your dogshit Instagram profile just lit up half of my field of vision, and you’re like 4 rows below me. You fucking cretin, you fucking short attention spanned mongoloid, you FOMO-ing social media whores, just stop…just don’t. Why are you scrolling social media in a movie theater? Why did you even come to the movie theater? Why don’t you have the decency to AT LEAST cover your phone or decrease brightness, MR. i-use-my-own-picture-as-a-wallpaper? Is it because you were conceived with weak sperm? Or maybe your mother dropped you on your head when you were a baby, and then decided to leave you there, and later started using your head as a door stop? Yes, that would explain it, you semi-sentient stain of a human being.

Speaking of stains…dear young parents, I know that life is tough with a baby around, and you don’t get to have a lot of me time, but when you do come out to the movies, LEAVE THE FUCKING BABY AT HOME. Get a baby sitter. Get your parents to baby sit. Whatever works. It’s been 20 minutes and all I can hear is your little crotch goblin’s wailing. WHY WON’T YOU LEAVE THE THEATER TO CONSOLE THE BABY?! Why have you decided that it is okay to just sit there while the little guy is screaming his head off? WHY DO YOU THINK IT’S OKAY TO BRING A BABY TO A DARK ROOM WITH BRIGHT LIGHTS AND LOUD FUCKING SOUNDS FOR 2 HOURS?!

You fucking apes, you fucking mindless baboons…you should re-consider reproduction, because obviously you’re all too fucking smooth brained for normal society. Your (now deaf) baby will probably grow up, go to the theater and start scrolling his phone 15 mins in. Then he will grow older and start having phone calls with his inbred cousin in a fully packed theater….and the cycle continues. And I’ll be right there, pulling my hair out….just trying to watch a movie. You know…the one thing people are expected to do in a movie theater. You fucking Hobgoblins. I fart in your general direction. I hope you choke on your pop corn.

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