Vegan Master Race

I know we like to poke fun of the stories here, but I actually believe this one is true. It’s all because of a famous case study: Mapleton, Georgia.

In Mapleton, a social science experiment was conducted where half of the population voluntarily switched to a vegan diet, while the other half remained their omnivorous selves. The intent was to discover social and economic effects of widepsread veganism adoption. Nobody quite expected what happened only three months in:

Visually, vegan consumers began to experience appearance alterations as they became more conventionally ‘attractive’ (as confirmed in a double-blind attractiveness survey after the fact, n=303). Hair grew longer. Breasts became fuller. Muscle tone improved, and mean strength increased across both men and women.

Intelligence scores raised as well, though they lagged behind apperance changes by about three weeks. Soon, the vegans all had IQ scores testing in the 120+ range, which is statistically quite significant for a random population with only one controlling variable.

By five months in, the vegans imposed a caste system, with enhanced rights for vegans and social hinderances for the then-labeled ‘carnivores’– a term that would gain a lot of derogitory connotations when used in Mapleton. At this point, the vegans stood 8 feet in height at minimum and their intelligence only continued to climb exponentially.

Two weeks later, they cracked the mysteries of genetic modification, which was the equivalent of surpassing the ‘technologic singularity.’ Only, this was no quantum leap in robot technology… this was the next swing in evolution, and its tide was equally as powerful as it was swift.

Within the next seven months, society stratified into a subrace of carnivores (which soon became cannibals in the ensuing carni-food shortages of 2013) which were under the domineering heels of a new species, known as homo veganus. These beings kept the carnies subservient with widespread propaganda machines (making them serve willingly without realizing their plight) while they expanded out into sciences previously unknown to man. They discovered what they soon called ‘the god particle,’ and built a great device known as The Ark of Veganus to go and meet their creator.

They all loaded into the solitary structure and switched on their elven machines. With a hum, they powered on and drew power from the surrounding eight metropolitan areas. There was then a great and powerful flash (blinding most carnies within half a kilometer of the site) and then, just like that, all of the homo veganus were gone. Whether they met their god is hard to speculate upon, as their documentation around the machine is so advanced that modern man finds it indecipherable. But one thing remains eerily certain: when we look at accounts of angels ascending to heaven, rising in a plume of great light to meet their creator, and then we look back at the Ark of Veganus, where all of the ubersouls disappeared in a great blinding flash and entered the aether, perhaps there is no meaningful distinction to be found. Perhaps the righteous have already found their Rapture, for they have made it themselves. Perhaps they have ascended to paradise, and we here are the sinners who were left behind… those who would eat the flesh of the lambs of God.

It just makes a man think, is all. That’s all I’m trying to say.


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