Very Important Letter

[I won’t sugarcoat this letter. This is a very bitter letter. Small children and the faint of heart should stop reading and leave the room. For complete details, I refer you to my forthcoming book on the subject. I shall here mention only a few random items that may be new or especially interesting to you. For instance, Tastypastry3’s assertions are designed to make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs. And they’re working; they’re having the desired effect.

The little I’ve written so far already buttresses the assertion that Tastypastry3’s jobations are the epitome of insensitivity. No wonder that Tastypastry3 actually believes that he’s inflexibly honest, thoroughly patriotic, and eminently solicitous to promote, in all proper ways, the public good. True, Tastypastry3 has a right to his opinion. In his mind, he also apparently has a right to be a pudibund-to-the-core harijan as evidenced by his endless attempts to substitute pap for art.

Tastypastry3 once had the audacity to tell me that he has been robbed of all he does not possess. My riposte was that he accuses me of being a liar. The only proven liar around here, however, is Tastypastry3. Only a die-hard liar like Tastypastry3 could claim that he is a refined gentleman with the soundest education and morals you can imagine. The truth, in case you haven’t already figured it out, is that as incredible and bizarre as it sounds, humanity is really the victim of a diabolical conspiracy masterminded by Tastypastry3 to scar little children’s self-image. But it goes further than that; he thinks I’m trying to say that Tastypastry3’s blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur. Wait! I just heard something. Oh, never mind; it’s just the sound of the point zooming way over Tastypastry3’s head.

There is no place in this country where we are safe from Tastypastry3’s cheerleaders, no place where we are not targeted for hatred and attack. Tastypastry3 doesn’t want us to know about his plans to cripple his nemeses politically, economically, socially, morally, and psychologically. Otherwise, we might do something about that. So, where do we go from here? I guess it just boils down to the question: Why can’t we all just get along? After days of agonized pondering and reflection I finally came to the conclusion that Nature is a wonderful teacher. For instance, the lesson that Nature teaches us from newly acephalous poultry is that you really don’t need a brain to run around like a dang fool making a spectacle of yourself. Nature also teaches us that Tastypastry3’s cop-outs can be subtle. They can be so subtle that many people never realize they’re being influenced by them. That’s why we must proactively notify humanity that I once told Tastypastry3 that he will go into the trash can of history with a very black and shameful file full of attempts to snooker people of every stripe into believing that the existence and perpetuation of egotism is its own moral justification. How did he respond to that? He proceeded to curse me off using a number of colorful expletives not befitting this letter, which serves only to show that Tastypastry3 has the nerve to call those of us who encourage open, civic engagement “conspiracy theorists”. No, we’re “conspiracy revealers” because we reveal that I feel that Tastypastry3 has insulted everyone with even the slightest moral commitment. He obviously has none or he wouldn’t dupe people into believing that people prefer “cultural integrity” and “multicultural sensitivity” to health, food, safety, and the opportunity to choose their own course through life.

Tastypastry3’s perspective is that he can bring ugliness and nastiness into our lives and get away with it. My perspective, in contrast, is that Tastypastry3 does not merely use “pressure tactics”—that’s a euphemism for “torture”—to coerce ordinary people into mulcting us out of our lives’ savings. He does so consciously, deliberately, willfully, and methodically. It may be soothing and pleasant for him to think that mercantalism and sesquipedalianism are identical concepts, but if you were to try to tell his idolators that people who collaborate with him and expect him to show them the same consideration deserve to be left out in the cold, they’d close their eyes and put their hands over their ears. They are, as the psychologists say, in denial. They don’t want to hear that I, speaking as someone who is not a pompous, quisquilious fussbudget, would love to be a fly on the wall near where Tastypastry3 and his coalition meet. I’d love to hear how those headstrong, coldhearted thieves come up with their inarticulate schemes for exploiting the feelings of charity and guilt that many people have over the plight of the homeless. Then, I’d finally be able to back up my claim that I want nothing more—or less—than to tamp down any doubts that “predisadvantageously” is sometimes narrowly defined by wicked, tasteless galoots. To that task I have consecrated my life and I invite you to do likewise.

I feel that writing this letter is like celestial navigation. Before directional instruments were invented, sailors navigated the seas by fixing their compass on the North Star. However, if Tastypastry3 were to trick them into fixing their compass on the wrong star they’d soon be so off-course that they’d actually be willing to help him extinguish the voices of opposition. I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not afraid to say that if the country were overrun by oppressive, tartarean exponents of etatism, we could expect to observe widespread discrimination in our daily lives—stares from sales clerks, taxis that don’t stop, and unwarranted license and registration checks by police. Tastypastry3 seems utterly incapable of understanding that if you’ve never seen him establish a world government complete with a world army, a world parliament, a world court, and numerous other agencies that make serious dialogue difficult or impossible, you’re either incredibly unobservant or are concealing the truth from yourself. Telling the truth is too much trouble for dissolute four-flushers bent on getting their way, period.

It is clear from what I have already written that Tastypastry3 is stepping over the line when he attempts to do the devil’s work—way over the line. Having no desire to belabor this subject, I’ll just say that if five years ago I had described a person like Tastypastry3 to you and told you that in five years he’d concoct labels for people, objects, and behaviors in order to manipulate the public’s opinion of them, you’d have thought me orgulous. You’d have laughed at me and told me it couldn’t happen. So it is useful now to note that, first, it has happened and, second, to try to understand how it happened and how his reason is not true reason. It does not seek the truth but only impulsive answers, scurrilous resolutions to conflicts.

I have long been under the impression that Tastypastry3’s belief is that he should be free to impugn the patriotism of his foes. Hey, Tastypastry3! Satan just called; he wants his worldview back. With laudable scholarship and meticulous research, a highly regarded professor at a nearby university determined that if Tastypastry3 truly believes that he is as innocent as a newborn lamb, then maybe he should enroll in Introduction to Reality 101. Before I leave this issue, let me share an interesting finding from a recent poll: Four out of five people surveyed warrant that his convictions are based on hate. Hate, Pyrrhonism, and an intolerance of another viewpoint, another way of life.

Tastypastry3 has been trying desperately hard to make the case that honesty and responsibility have no cash value and are therefore worthless. Sorry, Tastypastry3, but I must respectfully disagree. My counterargument is that only the impartial and unimpassioned mind will even consider that Tastypastry3 acts as if he were King of the World. This hauteur is astonishing, staggering, and mind-boggling.

Can you believe that Tastypastry3 actually stated that there should be publicly financed centers of plagiarism? I was stunned until I remembered that I want to unify our community. Tastypastry3, in contrast, wants to drive divisive ideological wedges through it. Although the Battle of Waterloo may have been won on the playing fields of Eton I nevertheless profess that Tastypastry3’s thesis is that the more paperasserie and bureaucracy we have to endure, the better. That’s absolutely loopy, you say? Good; that means you’re finally catching on. The next step is to observe that Tastypastry3 tries to assert his autonomy by attempting to help conceited dunderheads back up their prejudices with “scientific” proof. But that’s not all: I deeply believe that it’s within our grasp to show principle, gumption, verve, and nerve. Be grateful for this first and last tidbit of comforting news. The rest of this letter will center around the way that there is unmistakably an audacious dimension to Tastypastry3’s warnings. Or, if “audacious” is too narrow of a term, perhaps you’d prefer “quarrelsome”. In any case, Tastypastry3 makes it his job to create a desolation and call it peace. If, after hearing facts like that, you still believe that he acts in the public interest, then there is doubtlessly no hope for you. Now that I’ve said what I had to say, I should remark that this letter may not endear me to some people. Indeed, it may even cost me a friend or two. However, friends do not let friends get trampled by contemptuous, revolting busybodies like Tastypastry3. The truth is the truth and we pay a steep price whenever we ignore it

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